Monday 2 December 2013

The Secret Diaries of a Nutter

First of all, I beg for you to place your trust in me and believe my sparkly-eyed sanity - I am not a bushy-haired, raving nutter whose lack of dress sense would bring shame upon myself on a less manic occasion. Taking a hesitant guess on the subject, surely a spark of interest must have lit inside yourself with regard to my rather misleading title? OK, I'll spill the tomato-flavoured beans: I'm addicted to nuts of all kinds. Almonds, pecans, walnuts, pistachios and my current favourite (just like the bestsellers on sluggishly slow Amazon, the charts constantly change like Justin Bieber's popularity), roasted peanuts sans lip-burning salt. Are you satisfied with my answer? Revenons à nos moutons (I promise, no moutons or sheep were harmed in the tiring duration of mastering a certain French phrase which every Anglophone person fails to comprehend). 

Hmm, what is the subject of the day? The discussion of vitamin-rich, life-extending nuts mustn't be a topic which would grab the attention of an almond-munching (and, as it happened with a close family member, a teeth-cracking) teenager faster than the blazing news of One Direction being spotted in their native England? My head, swimming with clear memories of picking up a bag containing tongue-lickingly sweet dried dates and chopped pecans - a flavour which has since remained in my mind, constantly returning to that occasion, its taste far more exciting than a bag of calorific Kentucky Fried Chicken (or so I can only imagine) -, will never be able to forget the manner in which my on-going love affair with the carefully sourced beans began; and unlike many other things, ranging from learning how to play a lilac-coloured recorder to dominating the music-loving world with my apparent 'brilliant' voice, nuts seem to have become one thing which have never bored me for all of the right reasons. 

Unless your sanity has escaped to an out-of-town shop and is extremely unlikely to be returning to your muddled mind any time soon, let me remind you about the ridiculously long list of facts which should encourage you to fill your bowl mountain high with various protein-rich nuts: according to a recent survey which had been conducted over the space of two decades, consuming nuts offers you a higher possibility of extending your life and warding off expectancy-draining cancers, whilst giving your body all of the nutrients, antioxidants and vitamins it strives upon in order to keep you in top form and healthy. Sure, all of this information may seem as unreliable as the binmen who are sometimes incapable of taking away your rotten-smelling rubbish every week - why should teenagers, many of whom turn to hunger-satisfying fast food and fattening treats on a regular, if not a daily basis, believe these figures when they have their whole life waiting to be lived? Had my eating habits been of a dangerously different nature, I may have quickly waved off the profound message being promoted from the highly influential survey because none of it would have meant a single thing to me; however, it is slightly impossible to diminish the colour-restoring glow in my cheeks and feel proud about the healthy habits which I've formed in relation to food consumption because of my conversion to becoming a 'nutty' fan, which only occurred a mere few months ago. 

As with various other things and topics, I've clearly found a penchant for certain nuts, though my preference may have been somewhat influenced by self-professed experts praising the health-benefiting values of consuming almonds which contain a mineral known as zinc, which has been listed a factor of helping acne sufferers with clearing their complexion within a couple of months - this only goes to show why spot-prone teenagers ought to listen to their body and feed it with the goodness it desperately needs, whilst improving patchy and esteem-lowering complexions! 

Ball-sized pistachios - the colour of which give the startling impression of a much-detested sprout (though not on my food palette, which devours vegetables with a happiness-increasing passion!) - are likely to gain a following from dieters thanks to their low calorie and fat count; one single pistachio is only worth four calories of a typically 2000 daily calorie limit, so, in comparison to energy-rich brazil nuts and fattier macadamias (though it has to be said that the fat in nuts is necessary and vital to keep your body running; sadly, a bar of dark chocolate does not count, regardless of how much I, the teenage health nut, adores it), you can have as many as fifty pistachios without reaching a tenth of your daily calorie intake! 

Since bags brimming with shelled nuts - many ranging from tediously tiny hazelnuts to golf ball walnuts to easy-to-crack pecans, the shell of which feels as smooth as a polished wooden table - have been commonly sold across the country in various supermarkets for the past couple of weeks, Christmas has claimed the title as the greatest excuse to gorge on the food that all of us love best, albeit sugary candy canes and buttery mince pies are not necessarily obliged to be included! A nut party (i.e. a nutcracker which prevents pinching one's painfully sore fingers and nails takes the stage as the main act) is one of the great events of the festive season because one cannot experience gut-wrenching guilt if heart-strengthening nuts are in the spotlight; one word of advice which needs to be heard is to avoid any processed, richly salted and roasted nuts like wildfire, otherwise the natural goodness from the nuts will be lost and nothing apart from unwanted weight is gained to your bitterly annoyance. Secretly, I quite enjoy eating monkey nuts - another term for peanuts, which are, in scientific terms, a légume (well done if you correctly translated the French word into 'vegetable'!) - roasted inside their shell without a sprinkling of overly savoury salt, which can create problems for one's heart in over-consumption. You see, eating a bowl of mineral-rich and heart-friendly nuts cannot offer its goodness if salt or any other nasties are destroying it - plain, no matter how boring you may find it, works best every time. Just don't mention the roasted monkey nuts to anyone, OK?

At the moment, I'm still awaiting for a revolutionary epiphany to hit my mind with a loud bang as my puzzlement over how I ought to crack hazelnuts - you know, the nuts which make a Kinder Bueno bar taste like a cloud or something on a similar par from heaven - successfully in a nutcracker, which has cut all previous corners and diversions as to preventing a mess of brown shells across the kitchen floor; inside a shell, hazelnuts don't have such a rich flavour not appear like the ones in overpriced bags at the local supermarket, so I finally believe that there is one nut which doesn't set my heart fluttering à la a butterfly once the clock strikes twelve at lunchtime. Above all, breaking a walnut's shell in the manner of cracking a Sudoku puzzle minus the heart-skipping BANG is one of my favourite hobbies on the strikingly rare occasions where my brother hasn't got on my nerves or the fulfilling sight of a chocolate cheesecake inside a cookery book doesn't offer its typical contentment on a rainy afternoon! To my delight, there has been a stark rise in sales of nuts as of late, which has confirmed that I'm not the only person who has gone nuts over, well, nuts - nothing bothers me as long as I'm able to pick up a bag of mixed almonds whenever I wish! 

So, come on, has my continuous praise of nuts not stirred the slightest spark of fascination at all as you have been reading this entry? I'm afraid that I would have to confirm my deepest fears and proclaim that you are nuts - without the creamy flavour of an almond or richness of a bone-strengthening brazil nut - because it would be deemed as impossible to see the countless benefits which nuts can give to your health. If you've read all of the above, you will be aware of the perils of consuming salted, roasted (though I deserve a pass on my flourishing penchant for roasted monkey nuts!) and processed nuts, so watch out and check the labels when purchasing nuts at the supermarket - if needs be, visit a specialist health store in order to make sure that you know what you are getting. 

For me, Christmas has become a secret code to signify that nut time is hardly any time away - enjoy the flavour and most important of all, the goodness that each nut of every variety brings to your health. Talking of which, the clock is nearing towards twelve, so perhaps a pistachio or two wouldn't go amiss...

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